Thursday 23 July 2015

8 photos of happiness

My daughter Sarah recently shared '8 photos of happiness' on her blog, The Scarlet State and nominated me to do the same. The original creator of the tag is Aerial's Little Corner of the Internet

Photos can hold so many memories and in some ways I look back at old photos and feel sad that those times are gone, a chapter in time that we will never revisit. But usually I can look at photos and just remember the happiness of the moment and enjoy the memories.
So here goes...My 8 photos of happiness!

1. I have 3 daughters, Sarah, Laura and Eleanor. They make me happy! They make me feel cross, frustrated, exhausted and sad at times too but on the whole, they make me happy and I love them all so much!
This photo was taken last summer in Ambleside Park in the Lake District. On this day, we had been for a lovely lunch and then took Mylo, our dog, for a run around in the park. Here is our selfie!



2. I married Phil on 31st July 2009. I love this photo of us and the girls outside the church after the ceremony. The happiness is evident! One of the happiest days of my life.



3. Phil and I went to Paris for our Honeymoon. This photo of us was taken at the top of the Eiffel Tower! I remember queueing for quite some time to gain entry to the tower and then it was a bit of a trek to the top but it was worth it. The views were amazing! Another tourist kindly took this photo of us. I just remember feeling so happy that day knowing that I had now entered a new chapter in my life.

                             

4. Mylo, our adorable Cockapoo brings me much happiness! We welcomed him into our family on 2nd February 2013 and can't imagine life without him now! I love getting out walking with him.
Here is a picture of Mylo taken earlier this year at Fell Foot by Lake Windermere. Look at that tongue! And those eyes....Could he be any more adorable?!




5. The Lake District is a beautiful place and we are so fortunate to  live close by. Thirty minutes drive from our home and you reach Lake Windermere. Here is a photo I took last summer. We had been walking up Biskey Howe, a small fell near Bowness on Windermere and this is the view from the top! A stunning view of the Lake! A drive up to the Lakes  always makes me feel happy. Such beautiful scenery and views!


6. Looking back to my childhood always brings back happy memories! I have a twin sister, Donna, and I know I wouldn't be without her! Always there for one another, in good times and bad.
Here's a photo of Donna and I taken back in 1978, taken in my Granddad's back garden in Portsmouth, Hampshire. We used to have holidays there and I have many happy memories!You can read more about me growing up as a twin here and here


7. My family mean the world to me and this photo was taken the Christmas before last. Mum and Dad have been married 57 years now! I love this photo because Christmas is always a happy time with family and it's great to have a photo of all of us together, Mum, Dad and their three daughters!


8. Final photo... Has to be this one! This little baby is my Grandson. I have been to a few scans with my daughter Laura now and seeing this little one on the screen is a wonderful experience.
I must admit, when I found out Laura was pregnant my emotions were all over the place and I found it hard at first to find peace about it all. But now, in my heart, I know that this little baby was meant to be and will bring much joy and happiness!( Hopefully not too many sleepless nights!)


There were so many more photos that depict happiness to me but I could only choose 8. It's been great fun looking through them all to choose some for the blog. When I look at these photos they represent happiness. They show that my idea of happiness is the people I love, care about and want to share time with. It also show my love of the Lake District. But most of all it shows my happiness is in people and places not material things...Although... I could have posted a photo of a bottle of Prosecco...I find much happiness in that! Ha!

What snapshot would depict happiness in your life? 
Feel free to leave a comment! 

Sunday 28 June 2015

All change...

It has been just over a year since I have written a post on this blog.
So much has happened and so much has changed since then.
Since I last wrote, I have welcomed a new great-niece into the world, have attended a friends wedding and sadly have been to 5 funerals. Yes, last summer was a summer of sadness.

Time..it keeps on ticking and the view from 'my window' is changing.
I have never liked change, preferring for things to remain the same and settled. But that's not what life is about. Life takes us through many chapters, different seasons and makes us who we are.
I am entering a new chapter in my life.
I am going to become a Grandma in August.



It is not something I ever thought I would be saying at my age. I envisaged it about another 10  years down the line when my girls were a bit older.

My daughter Laura is just 17. Although it is not something I would have wanted for her at this age, I have come to accept it, find peace in it and I'm now looking forward to meeting my new grandson with a mixture of apprehension and excitement.

I have 3 daughters so having a grandson will be a learning curve for me. And although I intend to support Laura as much as I can she will definitely be getting up in the night with him! That is part of being a mum! I will have to learn when and when not to step in because he needs to know that Laura is mum and I'm Grandma. And I'm sure she will be a great mum. She has such a caring nature and kind heart. Laura has the support of her boyfriend Joe, who I'm sure will be a great dad.

Because Laura is still young, she doesn't feel ready to leave home yet and we are making changes to accommodate that.
A far cry from the 'old days' when a teenage pregnancy in a family would quite likely have seen the girl disowned by her family and sent away in shame...

I sometimes thought about what I would do if any of my girls became pregnant before they left home and how I would deal with it.
I never came up with any answers though because in truth, I never thought it would happen.
But life likes to throw us a curve ball now and again and the unexpected did happen.
I have never felt angry about it. At times I have felt a bit sad that Laura is so young but mostly I believe that God has a purpose and plan for each and every one of us and that this little baby is coming into the world for a reason. That being the case I believe as a mum I need to do what is right for Laura and support her.
Laura made the decision to keep this little life, my little grandson and I know he will be a blessing to us all.

Last summer Laura lost her uncle and granddad on her dad's side and I know how very sad she felt. This summer it will be so good to welcome a new family member and the feelings of joy and happiness that it will bring.


The house is undergoing changes as we are building an extension. Laura needs her own bedroom. She currently shares with her sister when her older sister is home from University. The new extension will create a new bedroom for me and my husband Phil, plus an ensuite. So that provides 3 other bedrooms in the house and we will also gain another living room which will be useful as we only have one at the moment. And most exciting of all...We will have a downstairs loo!
We have been thinking of making the house bigger for a while now. As the girls have grown up, the house seems crowded at times, especially when they have friends round.
I guess Laura's situation has pushed us into going for it. I just wish we'd done it sooner as I am sure it will be so much better for all of us and give us the space we need.
So the race is on now to get it finished before the baby arrives in 7 weeks...hmm, we will see! I have a feeling we will be painting and getting carpets fitted when he arrives!


The front door, that was in fact on the side of the house, with it's window attached will move to the front of the house as part of the new extension.
So, my 'window on the world' will have a new view, both literally and reality!













Sunday 22 June 2014

The longest day...

Yesterday was the longest day and not just because it was the 21st of June and the beginning of Summer!
I woke up with a heavy heart. It was the day I had to say goodbye to my husband, Phil, for 3 long months. He is in the Army and is on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Considering it was the longest day, the morning seemed to fly by and Phil was set to leave our home at
1.00 pm to make the journey to his camp.

Well, all I can say is there were tears! It was a very emotional goodbye as you can imagine.
But I am thankful that this time it is only for 3 months and not 5 as in previous tours.

It was so hard for Phil to actually walk out the door and leave behind all that he holds close to him. Me, the girls and also Mylo our dog. Phil and Mylo have a special bond and I could sense that Mylo wasn't himself yesterday and very tuned into our emotions.
I can only imagine how excited Mylo will be when he returns! As it is, he jumps all over Phil, wagging his tale and licking him when he comes through the door on a Friday night after a long week at work.

We said our goodbyes in the door way and as I closed the door I walked to the window and waved as Phil drove away...Oh my heart was so heavy. I had a good old cry!

My eldest daughter suggested we go for a coffee and to the shops for a few things, take our mind off of things.
So, that's what we did. I don't often have one on one time with my girls and I enjoyed Sarah's company.
I am going to miss her when she goes to university in September...oh dear, another goodbye!

Thankfully I had another thing to take my mind off of missing Phil yesterday too.
In the evening, my twin sister, Donna and I did 'The Walk to Remember' to raise money for St Mary's Hospice.
They rely solely on fund raising and so they arrange lots of events to help do this. You may remember Mylo did 'Paws for thought' a charity dog walk in April to raise money. He has now done two charity events because he walked 11km with my sister and I last night!

It was a beautiful evening. We couldn't have asked for better weather. My sister had done it last year in the rain and got rather wet!

The sun shone and there must have been a good few hundred walkers. All ladies as it is a women only event but as it is 25 years since the hospice opened, they also ran a 25km event which men could enter too. They set off earlier than us and took another route.



Ready for the walk!


Donna and Mylo


Me and Mylo



The walkers, not long after setting off


We were fairly near the front as the claxon sounded to start the walk but Mylo decided to do his business 5 minutes after setting off and so we ended up somewhere in the middle. He also decided to go a couple more times throughout the duration of the walk. Mylo is a Cockapoo...and we don't call him Mylo 'Cocka-2-poos' for nothing! But even though we had to stop a few times for him, he walked really well and it only took 2 hours to complete the walk at a fairly leisurely pace.

Some walkers had written the name of a family member or friend that they wanted to 'remember' throughout the walk on their walker number pinned to their back. It was quite touching to see the names of loved ones they had lost. It helped me to put my earlier 'goodbye' into perspective. God willing, Phil will be home in 3 months but some of these ladies had said their final goodbyes to those they were remembering...

The evening was a great success and I am sure the Hospice will have raised thousands. My sister and I managed to raise £255! Thanks to all those who donated to this very worthy cause!

At the end of the evening, Donna came back to mine and we opened a bottle of Prosecco...we reckon we'd earned it! I am so thankful for my twin sister. We got through the longest day together...The 'day after the longest day' had arrived by the time we went to bed!


I am sure it will have been a very long day for Phil too. But each day we are apart is a day closer to being together again and the time will pass quickly, hopefully!

How was your 'longest day'? I hope it was a great day for you all!





Sunday 13 April 2014

Paws for thought!

Mylo did his bit for charity today when he did a 2.5 km sponsored dog walk. All money raised went to the local hospice, St Mary's Hospice in Ulverston.

We all met at the Pavilion in the park. If you didn't know where the Pavilion was, you could just follow the sound of excited dogs barking!


Mylo, ready for walkies!


There was a great turn out and 84 dogs walked in total, from Pugs to Poodles, Dobermans to Dachshunds, Spaniels to Shih tzus  and Labradors to Lurchers! Every kind of dog you can imagine!
There was only one other Cockapoo at the walk and her name was Doris. She seemed a little nervous of Mylo at first but once they got to know each other they soon made friends.

Doris


As the clock stuck 10.30am the Mayor officially started the walk...We were off!


The walk was at a leisurely pace and Mylo managed to get round the course in about half an hour. It was lovely talking to all the owners and finding out a little more about their dogs.
There was certainly a lovely atmosphere...People chatting, dogs barking and children laughing.
The rain stayed off, the weather remained fine allowing the sun to peep out from behind the grey clouds.

Mylo walking with Phil and Boo the American Golden Retriever, a double doodle!


Approaching the Cenotaph



At the end of the walk every dog received a bag of treats and a medal from the Mayor!


Mylo's medal


I would definitely do the walk again next year. It was a great success and thoroughly enjoyable.

The sponsored dog walk was followed by a Dog show in the park in the afternoon, also to raise money for the hospice.
There were 12 categories and Mylo was entered for 'Best Crossbreed', 'Waggiest tale' and
'The dog the judge would most like to take home'.

 Mylo lines up for the judge!


Sadly, he didn't win any rosettes this time but he had fun taking part!


You didn't win this time Mylo but we still think you're the best! 
Me with Mylo and my nephew Ben, who also came along with my sister Donna to cheer Mylo on.

If there had been a 'Best at barking' category Mylo would have won because he kept barking at all the other dogs and even the judge when he came over to say hello to him! I think Mylo was a little overwhelmed seeing so many dogs at the event. At times, I think Mylo thinks he's human!

There was also a Dog Agility show. The Border Collies were amazing, running like lightening through the tunnels and leaping gracefully over hurdles and confidently down up and down the see saws!



Mylo had the opportunity of having a go at leaping a low hurdle, running through a tunnel and over a final hurdle.
The dogs were timed to see who did it the fastest to win a prize. I felt sure that Mylo could do this quite quickly. The dog agility team made it look so easy...it wasn't!

I thought by looking at him down the tunnel he would run through it to me. I was wrong. He kept running round the outside of the tunnel to get to me!
It was definitely harder than it looks. I might get Mylo signed up for some classes!

It was a very enjoyable day and hopefully we will do it all again next year...once I've got Mylo trained up not to bark so much and to run through the tunnel not round it!

Mylo's comment:

What a busy day. I'm 'Cockapooped!' 



Friday 11 April 2014

The Promise box

This year, 2014, marks the beginning of the centenary of the First World War, a war that claimed the lives of 16 million people across the world.

I can not begin to even imagine how difficult it must have been to live in those times.
The women and children who were left behind as their husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, nephews and uncles went off to the front must have been so anxious and scared for what might happen to them.There were very few families who were untouched by loss and grief.

In the First World War, it was a popular tradition for soldiers to give their wives or sweethearts something called a Promise box. Inside were little paper scrolls of bible verses to encourage and lift heavy hearts.






My husband, Phil, who is in the Army, gave me this Promise box for our wedding anniversary last year. This particular box is a reproduction of those that may have been given all those years ago.


The idea is that when feeling the need of God's comfort and reassurance you would use the tweezers and randomly pull out one of the little scrolls with a verse inside.



This is the verse I pulled out today!

As a Christian, I lean on God in times of trouble or uncertainty because I know that He is always there for me and will help me and comfort me. 

Phil goes away to Afghanistan again this June for 6 months. No doubt I will dip into my Promise box from time to time to help me through our time of separation. 
I trust in God's promises to me and I know He will be watching over Phil too. 

I hope the Promise boxes brought comfort to those wives and sweethearts left behind a century ago. May those who lost their lives fighting for our country never be forgotten. God bless them all.  

Thursday 10 April 2014

Watoto





Last night I went to see the Watoto African Children's choir at a local church.

The choir is made up of children from Uganda, who have been orphaned due to the huge HIV/AIDS pandemic or through war. These children, although orphaned, are now being cared for by The Watoto Child Care Ministries.

Uganda has been ravaged by war, poverty and disease, particularly HIV/AIDS and the pandemic has orphaned 14 million children.
More than 20,000 children have been abducted and forced to serve as child soldiers in Uganda
(Unicef 2008)

The children who are now with Watoto really know hardship and suffering in life.
They have such strong testimonies, coming from desperate situations to a place of peace, joy and happiness that they have found through their faith and love of Jesus. They give God the glory for bringing them through their troubled times and praise Him for the lives they now have.

One song they sang was called, 'I am not forgotten...God knows my name'.
I had tears in my eyes thinking of the past these children had had to suffer and endure, but here they were singing their hearts out and thanking God that even in the midst of the darkest of times, He had not forgotten them. He had a bigger plan for their lives and brought healing, love and kindness through the work of Watoto.





Quote from Watoto website:
'Since 1994, Watoto children’s choirs have toured internationally as ambassadors for Watoto. The vision and mission are presented through music and dance, which is an energetic fusion of contemporary gospel and traditional African rhythm. These ‘Concerts of Hope’ are a lively demonstration of the life-changing love
experienced by the children of Watoto. The experience benefits the children academically,socially,emotionally and spiritually and is designed to train and equip them as future leaders'.

After the concert we were asked to donate money if we felt able to. They also had a small stall, selling things like traditional jewellery, bags, hand carved wooden animals, pens and pencils as well as cd's of the children singing.

Here is my great-niece, Esme, holding her new dolly that she got from the Watoto shop. She loves it! The doll is an African lady called Irene and she carries a baby on her back called Ondu. The widows make these dolls to raise money for the organisation.





I would encourage you to check out their website to learn more about this wonderful organisation who is bringing hope to a new generation of Ugandans.

http://www.watoto.com/home


















Sunday 6 April 2014

To Facebook or not to Facebook...that is the question.


If you are a friend of mine on Facebook you will probably have noticed I've not been on there much of late. I have been lying low. (Perhaps you didn't notice, shows how insignificant I am! And there I was thinking you were waiting on my every status update! lol )

I like to give up something for Lent each year, usually chocolate or snacks but this year I decided that I would (not entirely) give up Facebook.

I couldn't quite give it up all together like a friend of mine did. I admire her for it! But I certainly haven't been sat there, scrolling through photos and posts. I have simply checked for messages or the odd notification.
Since getting my smart phone just over a year ago, it seems even easier to just 'take a quick look' at Facebook...and before you know it, half an hour has passed and the girls are asking me what's for tea!

I realised that these 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there all add up and really, I could be doing something more useful with my time. My friend has dedicated the time she would have spent on Facebook getting closer to God and spending time with Him and time with her family. I have found more time for prayer and family too, just generally not feeling so consumed by 'the internet'.

I haven't missed the scrolling down and seeing pointless posts (sorry, but at the time I gave up, neck nominations were filling my news feed and once you've seen one, you've seen them all!) but I have missed seeing friends photos or seeing their status updates sharing good news or happy thoughts.

I have to admit to peering over Phil's shoulder as he scrolled down his news feed just to see if there was anything of interest to me! If I am honest, I am rather nosey at times and Facebook is rather good for that!
But don't we all like to have a peek into other peoples lives...?

But it's fair to say that Facebook can sometimes be a 'rose tinted' version of a persons life. They will put up the 'happy snaps' and the 'good news' but the reality is maybe somewhat different. We can share what we want to share and people can perceive what they want to perceive and perhaps a lot of it is 'just for show'
I would like to point out that my friends come across as very genuine, this is not my opinion of them! But I do feel Facebook can be used in that way, to make life look all 'hunky dory' when perhaps it's not.

In fairness I guess I don't always want to scroll down my news feed and read the moans and groans of life but at the same time it keeps it real. After all, it's that persons Facebook, they can share what they like...I can always skip past that status although it is hard not to read them.

I am going to be really honest here and confess that before now, I have 'hidden' people from my news feed because of their negativity...I like to think I am a compassionate and caring person but when you get a person who constantly writes negative status's, it can be trying.
Not very Christian you might think. Don't get me wrong, I do care and will keep them in my prayers but don't always need to know the smaller details.

And the worse status's of all are those leading ones...
'I can't believe it!'
The comments soon fill up with 'What is it?' 'Hope you're ok?' 'Personal message me'  etc etc
Grrr...Just bloomin' well tell us will you instead of writing a status that teases us. lol

Facebook is not all bad. It really helps me keep in touch with family and friends and I enjoy hearing their news. It has helped reacquaint me with people and  it has also given me a platform to share my blog and also share with friends my news.

If it wasn't for Facebook I would never have 'met' some of the wonderful people I am in touch with now, people I have never met in person but I can quite honestly say, they mean something to me, I have a connection with them and class them as true friends.

I have had a relationship with Facebook for 7 years now and on the whole I think it is a good thing. I will be keeping it in my life for now, perhaps just limiting how I use it.

Now, as for Instagram...well that's a whole other blog post! lol





Friday 4 April 2014

Seasons

I feel that my blog has been in hibernation for the winter.
The last blog post I wrote was in October, when the crispness of Autumn arrived and the dark nights slowly crept in. Autumn soon turned to Winter and the busyness of Christmas and New Year came and went.
Last weekend the clocks went forward. Spring has definitely sprung and everything seems so much brighter and lighter.
The spring bulbs have burst through the soil, the daffodils are in full bloom and the pansies in my basket by the front door have flowered again!



So many things have happened over the winter months. Too many thing to share now but I do hope I will get round to writing about them.

As Spring is a time of new life and Easter is a time of 'resurrection',  I thought perhaps it is time I resurrect the old blog, bring new life to it again!
It's not that I always have a hot topic on my mind or an issue I wish to debate but it is a way to write down and record the simple observations I make in my every day life.
Perhaps that is why I haven't written for a while, because I feel I have to write about something deep and meaningful or relevant.

So, I'm  going back to basics and will write about the things I see from my window on the world, after all, that is why I called the blog just that!

I want my blog to be a place where I can just write as and when I feel able to and express my feelings or thoughts as well as keeping a kind of diary of things that are happening in life...

Already this year I have said goodbye to my 30's and hello to my 40's.

In June this year my husband, Phil, goes to Afghanistan for 6 months on another tour of duty, hopefully the last. Whilst he is away we will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary.
So many things that will happen over the course of the year.

So many changes. 
It  was recently my eldest daughter's 18th birthday and she plans on going to university in September...my first born flying the nest. As the swallows fly south for the winter she will spread her wings and fly off to university. I do hope she will return home now and again...

Seasons coming and going, changes ahead and life goes on....


Finally, I like this quote by poet Anne Bradstreet:

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."





Sunday 20 October 2013

Warning: Dogs and raisins do not mix!


Mylo, our cute Cockapoo.

Since owning a dog, I have read lots of helpful tips, ideas and guidelines for looking after our dog.
I have also come across some warnings that dog owners should be aware of too. One of these is that raisins are toxic for dogs! A dog can go into renal failure after eating raisins or grapes and sadly there are reports of some dogs not making a recovery after eating only a handful of raisins.

So you can imagine my horror when I came home from work a few weeks ago and found Mylo had managed to swipe a snack box of raisins off the kitchen counter and eat some!

It is not very often Mylo is left on his own but this particular day he was on his own for a couple of hours. My daughter arrived home to find raisins strewn around the kitchen floor and also up the stairs. Mylo appeared to be ok but how many had he eaten?

I arrived home from work about 15 minutes after my daughter had gotten in and she told me what had happened.
I immediately remember reading an article about raisins being toxic and straight away knew we had to get him to the vet as quickly as possible!

I felt so worried not knowing how many he'd eaten from the box and I knew that even though he appeared to be ok the symptoms might appear soon...

I got in the car with Mylo and drove him down to the vets praying we could park nearby and that he wouldn't start to display any symptoms.
We got parked easily on the busy road thankfully and within minutes of walking into the vets he was seen by a lovely lady vet.

She straight away told me not to panic as some dogs don't react too badly to raisins and in fact her mother's dog had demolished a fruit cake once and didn't have a reaction whatsoever!
However, there was still a risk that Mylo might be a dog that did react.
She advised that we should induce vomiting via an injection to bring up any raisins he had eaten because we figured he couldn't have eaten them more than an hour  or two ago and so they hopefully wouldn't have been digested.
Depending on how many raisins he brought up she said she may need to keep him in over night to put him on a drip and flush out his kidneys...The thought of leaving him overnight really tugged on my heart and I felt my eyes fill up with tears...Hopefully it wouldn't come to an overnight stay and he would be fine.

I said goodbye to Mylo and left him with the vet. She was very calming and reassuring and I felt that  he was in the best of hands.

She told me to call back in an hour to see how he was doing.

I went back to the car and sat there praying. Praying that he would be ok and that he would get through this terrible ordeal.

In the meantime I had booked the girls in for a hair cut and went to the hairdressers to pick them up. I sat there with a cup of tea just thinking about our little Mylo being made to be sick...I felt so bad that somehow he had gotten the raisins off the side. In fact we rarely have them in the house except for when I'm baking a fruit cake! Typical he should find them

The hour passed and the girls and I went to get Mylo.
We walked in and I anxiously asked the receptionist how he was doing...

He had been sick 3 times and managed to bring up 2 raisins...yes, only 2!

I was relieved!

Thankfully, due to the amount of raisins he brought up, the vet felt that Mylo was ok to go home after his ordeal and said that he should rest and drink plenty and we should bring him back if he showed any signs of illness or distress.

We laughed in the car...poor Mylo, made to be sick for only 2 raisins and at cost of £70 to me!
But it wasn't worth running the risk of not taking him...He means so much to our family and we couldn't bear it if anything bad happened to him.

So, Mylo will not be eating anymore raisins. They will be hidden out of sight and my advice to dog owners out there...Remember raisins are toxic!

Please read this link to find out more!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grape_and_raisin_toxicity_in_dogs





Monday 30 September 2013

I am still here...

I haven't written for a while now.

'Life' just seems to swallow up all my time and energy and I find I have little time to write...or if I do have time, I don't feel the inclination to write.

But I am still here.

I still have so many things I could write about...

I often go through my day thinking, 'That would make a good blog post', but when it comes to writing it down...well it doesn't happen.

So it isn't a case of writers block.

I just wish I could get my head into gear and do it.

But then have I really got anything interesting to say?

It's usually other peoples 'words' or 'lives' that inspire me to write.

I guess my observations may interest some of you.

We all have a point of view. It's good to share our perspective.

It's good to share what I see from 'My window on the world'.

And at the moment I see Autumn, the leaves changing colour, the nights drawing in and cosy days ahead.

Oh, and I see Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor and Doc Martin and Downton Abbey...hmmm, perhaps that's why I'm not writing as much!